Style Conversational Week 1102: My (five) stars, what Amazon product reviews!; The Style Invitational Empress ruminates on (eww) the week's new contest and results Washington Post Blogs December 11, 2014 Thursday 8:29 PM EST Copyright 2014 The Washington Post All Rights Reserved Length: 1182 words Byline: Pat Myers Body Okay, let's go populate Amazon.com with amusing product reviews! As opposed to my rule about crediting The Style Invitational when you post your inking limericks at oedilf.com, I don't think it makes sense to mention the Invite when you post your paean to Pringles or your suggestions for eating cotton balls. Anyway, it's all in the family, if the CEO of Amazon wants to count as family that weird cousin from back East who, like, eats cotton balls. I don't think any of the "negative" reviews that got ink for Week 1098 would be harmful to their manufacturers in any way. Pringles is now owned by Kellogg (which bought it from Procter & Gamble), and Kellogg's stock isn't going to take a dive because you post a review noting that the chips seem to be made from packing material. I do ask, however, that if you're posting the review, you give the product the top rating of five stars, unless you have a real reason not to. The star system is a mathematical rating that buyers really rely on (often without reading the reviews) and I think that on principle, we shouldn't be doing any part toward corrupting it. It was inevitable that some Losers would be robbed this week -there were many clever reviews that were just too duplicative of one another; I chose the one I liked better or best, leaving the runners-up to get bupkis. Today's winner from Melissa Balmain, about the failure of the "Universal" paper clips to survive the "binary suns" of the planet Naxerine Bb, made the Royal Consort laugh loudly while I was reading him entries in the car earlier this week. But he also laughed at this one from Michael Greene: "Can't say enough about these paper clips! It's really hard to get good, heavy-duty products that can stand up to the crushing gravity here on Jupiter. And my brother-in-law on Saturn says these clips run rings around any other fastener he's used! Kudos, also, on the same-decade drone delivery!" And this one from Mark Raffman: "I was disappointed that the product is not truly 'universal.' On my small planet, we must use paper that is 3 forteks thick to accommodate a lower force of gravity. These puny 'paper clips' -a fraction of a fortek -are useless! I will not be ordering them again." Significantly more similar to one another than the ET paper-clip buyers were about a dozen testimonials from sadistic nuns over the efficacy of the wooden ruler. Danielle Nowlin's "making room for Jesus" addition got her the ink. The idea that "Original Pringles" meant the very first Pringles ever was also a recurring theme (nice research to Page 2 of 3 Style Conversational Week 1102: My (five) stars, what Amazon product reviews!; The Style Invitational Empress ruminates on (eww) the week's new contest and resu.... find out that they debuted in October 1967, people). I went with Second Offender (is there a funnier name for that?) Scott Berkenblit's entry that tied it in with preservatives and extreme food processing. Another best-in-group: Rob Cohen's complaint that the ruler's measurements were off because a certain something was obviously much longer. I liked that Rob put it in the voice of the girlfriend whose argument rested on the fact that her boyfriend "is an engineer." Several people voiced disappointment that the paper-clip box had no (or deficient) trombones inside, given the product's label. That was a new French word for me, too -it's a pretty cute one, too, obviously derived from the sound made when you put a paper clip between your lips and blow on it. It's the fifth win, and 55th blot of ink overall, for Melissa Balmain, who was just down from Rochester last weekend to headline the "Poetry & Punchlines" light-verse night at Catholic University. Melissa, by the way, is the editor of the light-verse journal Light, which comes out twice a year online. Given the poetic chops of so many in the Greater Loser Community, Melissa welcomes submissions of not overly topical poems that haven't already been published online. And she judges them blindly, too. Here's the submission info. Mike Gips's Pringles-box "maraca" wins not a box of Original Pringles but the Solar Dancing Turkey, along with points for three honorable mentions and this week's contest idea, for a total of 182 blots of ink since Week 509 (though most of them are from recent years). And Danielle Nowlin remains in the Losers' Circle for the third straight week, for Ink No. 142 (and 143), as B-day for Future Loser No. 3 nears ever closer. This contest seems self-evident to me, or at least is made clear by Mike Gips's examples: a funny idea for a niche radio channel, described possibly, but not necessarily, with a funny list of suitable songs. And of course, not all radio stations have to have music. Have fun with this one. (On other contests, having fun is not permitted.) This just in: Save the date Saturday, Jan. 10, for what I'm told will be the 16th annual Loser Winter Party At Someone's House, aka the Judeo-Christelvismas Party, held in January starting in 2010, when it got bumped to the next month by Snowmageddon. This year it will be hosted by 314-time Loser Craig Dykstra and wife Valerie. They live out in Centreville, Va., in a cool house (there's a curvy sliding board from the kitchen to the basement) that's especially well suited to performances of song parodies, poems, armpit-fart recitals, etc. It's not near public transportation, but carpooling is already being arranged. I can't remember the last time the party was held in Virginia; it's definitely the southsiders' turn. The Post-Holiday Party is perhaps my favorite Loser event of the year: There's more of a chance than at the Loser Brunches to meet and chat with a lot of people, because you're not stuck in a chair, and I just enjoy visiting someone's house (it's usually a potluck) rather than going to some anonymous meeting room or a back room of a restaurant. Craig will be working up an invitation in the next week. Watch your inbox. Seattle-based Loser and Style Invitational Devotee Diane Wah will be the Novelty Attraction at this Sunday's Loser brunch, 11 a.m. at the military-themed Kilroy's, just off the Beltway near Springfield, Va. About 20 people have already RSVP'd -including Ink-Drenched Losers Elden Carnahan, Chuck Smith, Brendan Beary, Roy Ashley and Mark Raffman -so be sure to let Elden know if you'd like to add your name to the list (otherwise you might have to sit on my lap). RSVP here to him at NRARS.org, the Loserly website. And then at 2 p.m. on Wednesday, Dec. 17, Devotee Barbara Cackler -who's also the mother of Losers Joe and Jack Cackler -will share a piano bench with the other half of the Double C Piano Duo, as she and Rosanne Conway play the "Nutcracker" Suite in a piano-four-hands arrangement. Their concert is presented as an afternoon tea at Harmony Hall Regional Center in Fort Washington , Md., which happens to be right up the road from the Empress's house, Mount Vermin. So if anyone would like to join me there to enjoy the ivory-tinkling of Barbara and Rosanne while we nibble on tea-things, call Harmony Hall at 301-292-6070 to order a ticket ($16) and for more information. And let me know as well. Page 3 of 3 Style Conversational Week 1102: My (five) stars, what Amazon product reviews!; The Style Invitational Empress ruminates on (eww) the week's new contest and resu.... See you at one of these things!